nectar

2011-02-18T03:28:00.001-06:00

i went to seattle and fell in love.

chicago hasnt been the same since i've been back.

i cant wait to return to the northwest.

2011-02-07T02:00:00.000-06:00

love me til my heart stops.
love me til im dead.

2010-12-30T12:13:00.003-06:00

i've been laughing a bit harder...
smiling a bit wider...
and just seeing the world become brighter these days.

who could have thought that the absence of someone can just make you feel better about yourself? when your thoughts are no longer spent on someone you know doesnt deserve them.

the year is almost over. i absolutely hated this year. the only true thing i was happy about was my plan to move and seeing my best friend from new york which all happened the last 2 months.

im hopeful for 2011.

2010-12-25T18:47:00.003-06:00

i've always had a weird feeling about christmas. its just another way of feeling different from the majority of people. something that i've gotten use too, but christmas is always boring because theres really no one to talk too.

i'm starting to become happier little by little. i'm actually at the numb part, where i dont feel happy...but i'm not unhappy either.

i am happy that this year is going to end in 6 days though.

2010-12-21T03:18:00.002-06:00

i'm starting researching of a documentary idea that i have. why is it that i have an idea and i immediately take it part and feel that it might be stupid.

ive never really showed my friends the films ive made. only the few that moved away, that were actually in those films. and when i have discussions about movies its only with a selected few, and i wish i knew why. i have abandoned the idea of filmmaking for the past 2 almost 3 years on the reason of me trying to party my problems away.

i realized that when i move, i want to be sure that i have improved myself. to be in the same city for (what will be) 25 years, and to move to a new city, i'm aware that im giving myself the responsibility to not fuck it up. i dont want to go to bars all the time that i do now. i want to make use of my time, and i feel being in a different city i will be able to do that. i wont be comfortable, i'll feel that i would need to finally feel like apart of a community; hopefully that community being in the film industry.

crossing my fingers.

2010-12-18T13:17:00.003-06:00

"There is a time when we all fail
Some people take it pretty well
some take it all out on themselves
Some, they just take it out on friends
Oh everybody plays the game
And if you don't, you're called insane"

i'm going to start therapy in a week. it's something that i probably needed for a long time. i am only hopeful that i can find a solution...or a relief from what's going on in my head. to think that i am relieved that i can pay someone to hear my thoughts, and help me sort my problems. i just hope i can trust them. i trust my friends all to a certain degree, some more than others. i trust my friends that live in other states more than my newer friends that live here. and my old friends have given me this advice:

1. move out of pilsen (done!)
2. find friends of your own
3. STOP talking to george
4. move out of chicago

i'm still working on it.

2010-12-12T11:32:00.003-06:00

you gave advice to our friend, "if you cant quit her then why try?" and those were the words that probably hit my gut more than anything lately. then when i try and explain why i no longer want to go to pilsen you look me in the eyes and ask "do you still think of me as a negative thing in your life" and i said yes. you looked disappointed and it hit me in the gut again. i always hated disappointing you. i can tell you wish you can change how selfish you were before, played things different in hopes to have a better result than this. you wish to forget the things you did that i would come home to cry too. or the things you said to make me think otherwise from the actions you did. you ache to be loved but too afraid to love anyone else.

it seems like whenever i try and back away, you want me close, you want me to forget how you were in the past because you're striving to be different now. i realized, you dont want to be with me, i get it, but it's confusing to not want to be in a relationship with me, but want confide in me, want me to tell you to be optimistic.

but maybe its the wool over my eyes, but i still look at you and want to love you even more.

why cant i quit you?

2010-11-09T00:52:00.000-06:00

no men 'til 2011.

2010-07-08T10:43:00.002-05:00

Wesley: you have the life of an f scott fitzgerald character

Me: how so

Wesley: kind of secretly dramatic and most of your sadness seems to be fairly easy to remedy but you act as your own worst enemy. but in a way its romantic.

Me: i dont know if i should be happy you said that or upset

#122

2010-05-06T13:41:00.012-05:00

i've lost faith. my insides have hardened and i'm being reminded of how guarded i was before and how much i miss it. the disconnection. no one could look at me and knew what i was feeling.

i don't know if it's a good way of gaining self security in a time where i am not secured in other aspects.

the ending of each story is the same, so what's the point of trying again?

love is for the mature.

#121

2010-05-04T15:31:00.006-05:00

Friend: i think ur putting on a lil shield missy

Me: well duh

Me i have too.

Me: it's been too long.

Friend: well, sometimes certain men are more special than others

Me: george isn't special.

Me: well he is, but he shouldn't be.

Me: he doesn't deserve to be.

#120

2010-05-02T19:22:00.010-05:00

I am twenty-four years old today.

and as I am here, thinking of the things I've been through the past twenty four years; i feel somewhat relieved. I've had a cushion of a life and I am grateful for that.

there has been so many things I've learned when I was twenty-three and I hope it won't stop.

twenty-three challenged me to the fullest extent possible. that my own soul was tested; my emotions, discipline (or lack thereof), my goals, and my outlook on life. twenty-three was the biggest platform of me trying to be myself.

i envy the elderly, or the older i should say. I've always wished to be older, just because i feel that i will learn my life lessons as the years go by, be my own true self.
i would be wise, knowing that in order to get through life you have to fight the battles, learn from it and move on.

i am twenty-four, but I feel as if i've barely had a reason fight until now.

#119

2010-04-24T13:41:00.005-05:00

darkness = light

#118

2010-04-23T13:26:00.001-05:00

sounds about right

#117

2010-04-21T18:48:00.003-05:00

it's appears that i finally made it out. unfortunately it looks like i came out with a few battle scars.

#116

2010-04-19T17:24:00.004-05:00

this is the first day in a very very long time that i actually felt lonely.

#115

2010-04-10T13:23:00.006-05:00

so i move along
and now i'm gone
so gone
now i'm gone
so gone

#114

2010-04-04T16:07:00.006-05:00

my life is in shambles. in the past few months i've lost a relationship and a job.

i'm an insane state of mind. and never realized how jealous i could possibly be until now and i absolutely hate it. insecurities are at an all time high and i don't know how long i can take it.

i use to love the feeling i get when i look at you in the eyes and now i despise it.

jealousy is the worst emotion in the world. besides love.

where's luck when you need it?

#113

2010-01-23T16:11:00.002-06:00

why wont you just let me in?

#112

2010-01-12T11:48:00.003-06:00

People who read this journal must think i'm sort of nutcase. I was hoping that pms stopped happening with me since I havent had it in months, but BAM here it is again. I cant wait until this week is over.

I've been in a bit of a nutshell for the past 7 months, usually because of my life has been pulling me here and there. now i feel like i still have no idea whats going on with the world. is it me being selfish? or just trying to pull more wool over my eyes from the hurtful world around me? i've decided to start buying newspapers, start buying magazines again just to somehow keep in touch with the world.

listen to this:

#111

2010-01-10T22:29:00.005-06:00

maybe its my hormones running, leaving me incredibly emotional last night as well as today.

i've been feeling a bit less of woman the past few days. i almost feel that it's not fair that i get into situations like these, because i lack experience. i feel more pressure rather than just enjoying it, just making it all worse. frustrations, disappointments, and saying such a thing like " i wish you started having sex a long time ago" makes me sink lower in my insecurities than helping all together.

i'm trying all i can to please, and when it comes to me, i feel that i disappoint even more.

it's been a long time since i cried, and i know once i get home and lay under my covers i finally will and for some reason i'm looking forward to it.

at least i know my period is expected this week.

#110

2010-01-02T18:21:00.004-06:00

I guess I spoke too soon. I finally got sick from binge eating for the past 4 days.

to feel full is the worst.

I guess this is a gift hidden in a pile of shit.

#109, my return

2009-12-24T21:45:00.004-06:00

line divides right here. right now. i feel at the end of this year. this specific year, my old life ends and a new one begins. i feel that i have now reached at some part of adulthood at this point. where all these years i've tried to find myself has reached a point of self awareness. within 2009 i felt that i was limitless but limited. limitless on the things that i wanted to do or achieve, but limited to the point of me..myself of getting to some point of completeness. throughout this year i have pushed myself to the point of just realizing that i am the only person looking out for..well at least full-heartedly.

i change things. while i use to think that fate did it for me. i felt that i relied so much on thinking that things will just happen, that i almost became lazy the past 6 months. my plans are slowly going to effect when it comes to where i will be at the end of 2010.

hopefully not here. i rather be elsewhere in the new decade.

#108

2009-12-03T01:03:00.006-06:00

you were watching me sleep today, i opened my eyes and saw your eyes looking right into mine. i smiled and you turned away. i love when your clear blue eyes meet mine. it took some time until it made me content and not worried.

i wonder if you were thinking the same things as i was when i watch you sleep.

did you mean to stare?

it seems the moments where i think ive finally got you, i dont. and lately i've been thinking i won't. there is still a wall on my side as well as yours, i just see mine crumbling a little quicker than yours. your wall is up from past experiences, and my wall is up because of new ones.

it's been some time now and i dont know if i can just be the girl you're seeing, and not the girl you're with.

it's like ive been trying to prove to you that i am worth being with, and its now making me fall into my pool of insecurities.

have you tried to prove anything? i feel like i'm getting the short end of the stick.

#107

2009-10-13T01:53:00.003-05:00

i wish my mother and i had a closer relationship.

for a long time i always wondered why i chose not to be close with my mother, i usually blame it on her judging me every time i see her.

not too long ago, i confessed the very reason why i lost all trust in her. she forgot it all. she forgot the moment that i probably needed her the most. she was crushed and i knew that. she was crushed that she forgot, and she stared at me, not knowing exactly what to do but apologized and then she hugged me. i thought that finally telling her would make us have a clean slate. but it was years, over 10 years too late.

she hugged me and i felt nothing. if anything the only thing in my mind was waiting for the moment she would stop touching me.

how could a loving daughter not like her mother?

#106

2009-09-30T01:52:00.003-05:00

i prefer you sleeping at my house instead of your house is because i enjoy seeing your smile in the morning.

#105

2009-08-03T03:06:00.002-05:00

a lightning bug flew into my bedroom in my dark bedroom. the bug gleamed on and off throughout my room before flying out of my window again in one try. it was probably the most uplifting thing i've seen in days...maybe weeks.

#104

2009-07-24T12:04:00.005-05:00

So my entries have been lagging. The past few weeks has shaped my way of life and I love it. To think being selfish had advantages? I also stopped worrying. I have been a worry wart all my life. I must get it from my anal mother. I constantly worry about things, worried about what will happen next, bills, life. Something snapped in my brain a couple of weeks ago and I just don't give a shit anymore. I work, pay bills, now I'm starting to pay rent. I do care about things, but it's solely about my plans for the future. i'm looking at grad schools in France as well as Australia and trying to decide which direction I would like to go. My friends have seen changes in me as well, and they say its for the better. I'm finally living. and it's fucking great.

#103

2009-07-22T13:04:00.003-05:00

#102

2009-07-20T11:22:00.004-05:00

I went to Pitchfork over the weekend. I bought my friend Jackie a ticket for her birthday without buying myself one. We circled around the park until I saw my friend jump the fence. I did the same and RIPPED MY FAVORITE PAIR OF BLACK JEANS on the top of the gate. I proceeded to walk around Pitchfork with ripped jeans pretty much exposing my underwear until my friend Jackie came back with a new pair of jeans. RIP H&M black stretch pants, i will miss you dearly since you fit me like a glove :(.

Pitchfork was fun though, saw Beirut, Doom, Wavves, Black Lips. It rained and overcast but meh. I went to bitchpork afterwards and went to Bridgeport for an after party there.

Sunday I moved my stuff in and slept a lot. Went to another night of bitchpork where sardines, ramen and chickens were being thrown around.

I moved the majority of my stuff into my new place and slept there for the first time. Ah relaxation, it would be better if I had a real bed though instead a mattress on the floor.
I'm going to slowly save up money for a camera when I can. Preferably in the month of August. New glasses:

see ya.

#101

2009-07-15T16:35:00.003-05:00

i get my keys this friday. i'm ecstatic! my hair has grown so long, i have a good 6 more inches to go!

i'm currently shopping for a new bed and free furniture.

pitchfork this week, lets see if i can somehow see anything.

#100

2009-07-13T11:56:00.005-05:00

my 100th entry. 100 entries of emotions, memories, quiet hints to what's going on my world. 100 little secrets. my life has been nomadic, i found a place in logan sqaure and awaiting for next 2.5 weeks until i can finally have a bedroom of my own. i'm currently hanging out in humboldt park with my girl visiting from atlanta and erin listening to disco. my life has been really good lately, especially when I just want to have fun. there has been a lot of late nights with friends, finding more rooftops showing how gorgeous the southside view of chicago really is.

like my friend dave mentioned, i am in love with everyone and everything and who knows if i can love only one single person anytime soon.

i love chicago, i love the summer, and i love everyone i've met and known for years.

here's to the next 100 entries.

#99

2009-07-08T13:14:00.001-05:00

i'm in distress, i need a caress

#98

2009-07-06T13:41:00.002-05:00

my 4th of july was awesome. besides working that day and getting paid time and 1/2, I went to a party where there was awful ky jelly wrestling, then went to my friend christine's party/block party. A party is just better when it's outdoors. I met more people, and a lot of my friends were there. Then went to my friend Emily's house where we played a few mean games of twister and danced more. I went on a scary quest to the rooftop of her building with the most amazing view of chicago. I'm going to try and post the pics from my phone on her next time.

I found a place to stay for the remaining 3 weeks of july, back to pilsen I go, and back to living with boys again.

I'm searching everyday for apartments, and I'm trying to get out of the habit of sleeping until 1 in the afternoon.

Lifes been pretty alright.

#98

2009-07-02T12:44:00.002-05:00

my world has been shifted, the life i'm living now is definitely different from my life a little over a month ago. i can't really tell if this is a good path or bad.

but i think thats what makes it that more exciting, no?

#97.5

2009-06-30T12:05:00.005-05:00

if i had to wish to see any band live this would definitely be one of them. only one member of the band survived a car crash. they died july 20th, they were on tour and I was incredibly excited to see them when they were suppose to play in chicago that september. I was so crushed. this is the closest i will see them live:

i dont know why cloudy days make me watch nostalgic videos on youtube.

#97

2009-06-30T11:34:00.006-05:00

my first punk rock show was seeing this band at the fireside. i was 16?
slaughter and the dogs will always have a place in my heart.

#96

2009-06-29T12:03:00.005-05:00

wow.

so close but not close enough.

#95

2009-06-27T13:15:00.004-05:00

I just woke up about 5 minutes ago in the most comfortable thing I have slept on in weeks. I woke up alone at my friend's apartment and can't be any more relaxed.

This is my first week of working these new hours, which I love, however it's causing me to come home when the sun is rising. I just woke up a few minutes ago and I have to head to work in about an hour. I'm starting to be nocturnal and I'm not sure if it's exactly a good thing or bad.

I have 7 mosquito bites, where the past few years I would barely get one in the summer. Strange.

My mother is in Montreal right now and I am incredibly jealous. The last time I talked to her was to break the sad news of Michael Jackson dying. She was crushed.

I need to take a shower. Also come to this art show tonight that my friend Erin curated. It's all women artists and it's at my old apartment and extremely sad that I can't make it due to work. Either way, get your riot grrrl on.

#94

2009-06-25T09:56:00.001-05:00

SO FUCKING TIRED OF BEING SCARED.

#93

2009-06-24T15:02:00.016-05:00

this is going to be short and sweet like me and my name:

1. I'm housesitting my friend's 1 bedroom apartment for 2 weeks. i see a lot of music listening, book reading, mind clearing days in the near future.

2. I am now working 3p-11:30p, it's good to have summer back.

3. i got a new phone

4. I no longer feel ugly....thank god that's over.

5. my aunts and uncles from france and australia are here visiting the US and just went to Canada with my mother. They want me to visit France as well as Australia next year. My Australian aunt is probably the coolest out of the 12 I have. She has a red pixie cut, loves drinking and dresses in amazing black dresses with leggings. She wants me to come to Australia so bad because she thinks I will fit in with the fashion and music. We are in the works of planning that out.

6. been listening to talking heads NON-STOP, it's so good how a single song can put you in the best of moods for days:

Feet on the ground
Head in the sky
It's ok I know nothing's wrong . . nothing ohh
i got plenty of time ohh
you got light in your eyes

til next time!

#92

2009-06-20T23:04:00.002-05:00

i have been feeling incredibly ugly these days.

#91

2009-06-18T10:09:00.011-05:00

my mom found my first passport picture. 1990, 4 years old. going to france for a my uncle's beautiful wedding on the coast, then traveling throughout europe after. i still remembered everything. it was a place i never wanted to leave.

the puerto rican parade is this saturday. however last night was the opening night and its until this sunday. it's mayhem in front of my old apartment. there are so many carnival rides and i want to go on ALL OF THEM.

i'm planning on going everywhere in the city today. working this job makes you appreciate the days you have off SO much more. ~~i plan on staying around wicker park for lunch, then to pilsen, then to downtown, then back to pilsen then back to wicker park.~~

edit: went to lunch then behind the shedd, apple store, h&m then back to humboldt park, then going out to dinner at rodan, then maybe free alcohol downtown, then beers at this awesome bar i always go too. see ya!

#90

2009-06-15T17:58:00.007-05:00

Even though I live in a new neighborhood, getting around is just the same. Driving down the same road back and forth. I can probably drive around this city with my eyes closed. Even in my bad states of mind, I still found a way to put my mind on auto pilot and be able to get straight home from a night of drinking. The city of Chicago is grid, if you understand that there is no way of getting lost. There are straight roads, street lights and bright green street signs to show you you're not exactly alone. That when you look up there's an answer right there in front of you, and it is you that has to figure it out.

Repetition is a form a comfort. As this year goes, I have probably figured myself out more than i have ever before. It's funny to see how predictable I can be....or was. I was weak minded, easily influenced, afraid to speak to anyone new, I remember feeling constantly judged by others and now I feel that I have overcame those barriers. I never could look people in the eye and now I don't mind someone looking into my soul. I take everything with a grain of salt. I let people in my life like a breeze that go through the streets of this city. I'm better now.

i'm rambling on and on. it's probably the lack of sleep.

#89

2009-06-12T14:56:00.006-05:00

it's such a beautiful day out! life has been getting back in order. i've spent a lot of time working, listening to music, trying to figure out guys, hanging out when i can and making a bunch of playlists off of itunes. my favorite songs the past few days have been:

that right ain't shit - the books
we own the sky - m83
pagina dos - prefuse 73 (reads the books)
100,000 fireflies - the magnetic fields
for reverend green - animal collective
fireworks - animal collective

this is the official video for we own the sky by m83, the winners for the video contest for the video are Alex Takacs and Joe Nankin.

i think im going to buy a kite next paycheck and fly it by the museums. it will be my first time.

i should write more but i'm not really in that right state of mind to do so.

til next time!

#88

2009-06-09T16:50:00.004-05:00

since working this new job, it seems like the greatest satisfaction i've been getting is when i'm laying on a couch in the afternoon, chilling out and being so happy to be out of work.

i need more satisfaction.

#87

2009-06-08T21:50:00.003-05:00

my neck is probably one of my favorite parts of my body. that and my skin.

i'm dying to be touched both places.

#86

2009-06-07T23:49:00.004-05:00

No I don't care what you dress like,
Or what you wear.
But please make sure baby,
You've got some colours in there

better post next time i ever have the internet.

#85

2009-06-03T17:32:00.001-05:00

So I might finally have some peace in mind. I'm starting to get use to getting up early in the morning. I might try and change my hours though, something better so I can actually go out on the weekends. More things are packed and moving south, i think i found a really awesome apartment and checking it out in a few days. it's getting closer to thursday which is pay day and after that i will receive a paycheck every single week. finally, a time where i dont worry about money. i hate fucking money. lush, greed, money....all of it

#85

2009-06-02T06:46:00.003-05:00

i started my new job and during the middle of all this madness, i'm trying to be ok with working another corporate job. i guess i'm still looking for something a little more tolerable. it's barely 7 and it's been years since i had to wake up this early and have to go to bed so early as well. i'm stressed out with trying to move during all of this...while trying to find a place to live and trying to keep a social life. by the looks of things i will have this weekend off (thaaaank god) to be able to sleep and get my life straightened out.

i just wish i'll stop worrying about so many things soon.

#84

2009-05-31T14:28:00.005-05:00

well....here we go!

i'm currently packing and moving things to my dear friend carol's apartment in pilsen. i'm going to try and cut 40% of the stuff i own. i don't want to be attached to so many things, especially things i never use.

i start my new job tomorrow. went to a party under the highway and then do division fest, this weekend was really fun except me losing my wallet. oh well...c'est la vie! also got a new bike that is under construction.

i'm feeling good!

#83

2009-05-30T09:27:00.002-05:00

that sounds soooo appealing for me to just leave everything behind. i want to get out of here by the end of 2010. No idea where i'm planning on going, but thats not the goal.

i just want to lose control for once.

#82

2009-05-29T10:27:00.001-05:00

Look at me, oh look at me, is this the way i'll always be?
now i pray that somebody will quickly come and kidnap me
and everyday i lie awake and pray to god today's the day
here i am, oh here i am, oh when will someone understand?

#81

2009-05-28T09:53:00.002-05:00

i'm starting to get really STRESSED. especially about my plans for the move in with 3 other people. I was just hoping to live with one person but now there has been 2 more people added. It makes me kind of nervous also that I might be the only one with a job. other things are floating in my head causing me to only have about 4 hours of sleep last night. again with this insomnia?

anyway. ever had one of those bands that cause you to dance and just make you forget it all? this is one of them. Passion Pit is probably one of the bands that i loooove and discovered this year. their whole first album was a valentine's day gift to the singer's girlfriend. their new album not so much, but it's still makes me look at the brighter side of things.

cant wait to see them june 14th.

#80

2009-05-27T23:05:00.011-05:00

watching sad movies makes me think into stuff more than i should.

is it weird to not want love? i mean it happens all the time. i don't really get love...and as of the past year or so, i dont take it seriously at all. it doesn't fit in my life right now, and i kind of like it that way. love is nice when it happens, don't get me wrong. to be loved is probably one of the happiest feelings i felt but god...you stop believing in it so much after you are in love...and then you see how easily you can just fall out of love..... is it just one of those disposable feelings that just comes and goes? maybe that wasn't love that i felt but then is it just one of those feelings people get so obsessed about...that they just pull the wool over their eyes for the idea of being in love? it's so....strange to me.

or maybe i'm just talking in circles. i dont like titles either. boyfriend...no boyfriend or in a relationship or not....who cares?

i just want a cuddle buddy that i can laugh with.

#79

2009-05-27T15:02:00.009-05:00

sanctuary

i'm going to finally stay in the night. my first night in i think a month. i have been probably out every night and i'm exhausted from it. i havent been just alone in my room. im going to lay under my covers, watch my favorite sad movies and hang out with my cat.

:)

#78

2009-05-27T01:49:00.005-05:00

it's late and i have received enough comments on my tongue post. get your mind out of the gutter! i learned to do those things when i was little and NOT in a sexual manner.

grossness!

i added a nice banner. i am in love with all of JR's projects. I made a post a while ago of some of his work. Here are some more:

goodnight!

#77

2009-05-26T15:08:00.003-05:00

BOREDOM. at my internship with nothing to do. i have tongue tricks.....i can do 3 leaf clover, taco, twist it one way...and then the other. and i can rolllll with it. look what i can do with my tongue.

and

GET ME OUT OF HERE!

#76

2009-05-26T10:28:00.006-05:00

(our first pic of us...maybe...2003?)

One of my oldest best friends is moving to new york this week. I'm going to miss him so much. He's one of my friends that actually take life changing risks. He told me to move there also, but now im starting to consider it. He grew almost in the same pace if not faster than i did. i learned a lot from him through his advice and experience...and vice versa. This entry is pretty boring....much like this week is going to be. Here are some songs.

Thanks Lizzy....for having an awesome bbq few saturdays ago and showing me this song.

and if you live in chicago...and have been for a while...this song will make some sense. bears, hawks, sox, BULLS!

How do you tell someone you're not interested...when you've already told them 3 times before on 3 seperate occasions?? Eeeeeesh.

#75

2009-05-25T10:29:00.008-05:00

i havent eaten so much meat in so long. chicago bbqs are going to kill me this summer. the weekend was good except for a few mishaps...doors breaking down...friends fighting in the alley....laptops being stolen....so on and so forth. my mind has been in a daze, just thinking about other things...day dreaming. i found someone to take my room for june, so i have to start slowly moving things to my friend's house until next sunday. living on a couch sounds so crazy to me, i've always had a bedroom to myself....but whatever. i'm laying in pilsen procrastinating on going to my moms to ask for money the 1st time since i moved out. not looking forward to it at all. i was hoping to ride a bike this weekend, but that never happened (UGGGGGHHH).

my best friend that lives next door to me bought a puppy named claude.

i want to sleep all day...preferably with a cute boy.....with a beard......that would be nice.

#74

2009-05-24T11:50:00.003-05:00

I'm sure people questioned me never learning how to ride a bike. There is actually a list of things I was never taught. Don't really know who to blame it on. Usually parents were the one that teaches their kids how to ride a bike, but once I got older and told them, my parents just thought I was taught by my friends. My parents were always inside, tired from both of their overtime jobs, I was outside with my neighborhood friends, but I was told never to go outside of my gate that surrounded my house. My mom told me that she never taught me because she didnt want me to get hurt. Over protective parents are kooky like that. Not having been taught how to do these things questioned on what I really did when I was young. Friends from the neighborhood moved, and I was indoors a lot. Being the last child in the house sucked. I was alone with my imagination a lot. That probably makes me such a day dreamer now. Here is my list, I'm hoping to be able to do these things this year..or at least knock a few out:

1. Ride a bicycle
2. Learn to swim
3. Fly a kite
4. Jump on a trampoline
5. Learn to skateboard/roller blade

#73

2009-05-23T09:35:00.002-05:00

"i want to intertwine my fingers through every strand of your hair."

#72

2009-05-22T10:09:00.004-05:00

it seems like everything is falling into place. Throughout this week, my life got pushed into a new frontier. Moving into a new neighborhood, maybe getting a new job, and found a new apartment. It's as if i'm floating on air! It's amazing how things just all of a sudden work perfectly in your favor, it hasn't happened to me in a very long time. I also removed my monroe piercing and no one barely noticed! Are my other piercings next to be removed? Maybe.....but highly doubt it.

i haven't had any guys on my mind for a while now, and i couldn't be any happier.

#71

2009-05-21T10:33:00.002-05:00

Looks like summer is finally here, all I've been listening the past few days is El Guincho. He's young, from Barcelona, sexy, etc. I found out about El Guincho when seeing him at Pitchfork 2008. Brian, Emmi and I had a plan to move to Barcelona but who knows if that would ever work now. ULTIMATE SUMMER SONGS

and

off to work now!

#70

2009-05-20T19:52:00.004-05:00

AHHH! my day has been so busy! Went to the art institute's modern wing (again), then had to rush to go for a job interview to be a nanny, looked at potential apartments, ate, then raced down to my internship. i'm fairly busy here, learned new things, and i'm listening to my music in one of the edit suites with the most amazing speakers.

i am officially pilsen bound, found an apartment, throwing money down then moving as soon as it gets remodeled. very excited! ...however, i am going to miss the beautiful view of humboldt park from my current apartment, and how the sun goes right through our curtains.

oh well, always love a change of scenery.

#69 part Deux

2009-05-19T12:50:00.005-05:00

hair! insane how culture and hair plays. in mexico, hair was considered being the home of god, some others cultures think that hair has mystical powers and can be used to cast evil spells. in the u.s. not so much.

having a strange mix of black and asian hair, both of my parents love that my hair was long, so much that it was down to my ass. then high school i got rid of it and cut it. then it took me 3 years to have my hair from this:

to this

to finally this

(freshly cut, yesterday)

I will NEVER go to milios for a fashion mullet. that awful day about 3-4 years ago where that FUCKING asshole with the blue mohawk accidently chopped off over 6 inches of my hair. Since then I've gone through, chopping insane layers, stick straight asymmetrical bullshit. Decided to just keep it cool and long from now on.

i wish my hair possessed magical powers.

#69

2009-05-19T12:36:00.004-05:00

i went to the new modern wing at the art institute yesterday. thank god it wasn't as crowded as I heard it would be. the pieces were interesting, even though i found the architecture and design portion the most appealing. I saw a lot of familiar faces from the art schools, meh. I listened to the books while I was there, SUUCH a good band to listen to while looking at art. Especially this song:

It's free til the 22nd, so I am probably going to go back to check out the rest of the place tomorrow.

My internship is boring today, no one is around.

i want to go out and enjoy the sun!

#67

2009-05-16T19:16:00.007-05:00

Stop drop and roll
Just stop drop and roll
STOP!
Stop drop and roll
DROP!
Gotta stop and put out the fire

Feeling great tonight
I am feeling great tonight
I am feeling great tonight
I am feeling great tonight

#66

2009-05-16T12:58:00.004-05:00

At work, random thoughts....boring I know.

I can eat sushi all day everyday
Sausage fest after sausage fest last night.
I want to make out
i crush a lot.
I really want to go see the new modern wing at the art institute
I don't want to talk to my landlord
I watched rules of attraction and the fall every night the past 3 nights.
I'm taking out my monroe tonight.
I don't think I want anymore tattoos.
I want to go home.
I want to listen to the cure, chairlift and animal collective right now.
I'm going to learn how to ride a bike tomorrow.
My lips are too big.

#65

2009-05-15T10:09:00.006-05:00

i just got home, just in time for me to leave again for work.

i've been in a lost of words lately and it shows on my entries. i'll write lengthier entries soon....so i will leave you with these words:

#64

2009-05-14T06:52:00.004-05:00

my roommates woke me up again, i have to get up by 9:30-10am for work and now i can't fall back asleep. UGH

ahhhh, it would be better here.

#63

2009-05-13T16:55:00.001-05:00

it's about 5pm. bored at my internship.

ALL DAY

Chairlift - New Music - More Music Videos

#62

2009-05-13T12:58:00.002-05:00

so whose been peeping on my blog?

within the past few days, people have mentioned my blog, and i was pleasantly surprised that people are actually reading it. leave a comment, even if its anonymous, i would like to know who else is reading in on my life.

i have to mention that the photos that i put on here are not my own (i wish!). to avoid confusion, i put the actual photographer/artist/etc. on my labels. these photographs/drawings/paintings are just a reflection of the topic of my entries, or just a reflection on how i'm feeling.

a lot of my posts are film stills. title usually under labels as well.

either way,

hello readers!

#61

2009-05-12T17:30:00.005-05:00

i've been in bed all day. i closed my windows, door and curtain and was in bed listening to music all day. mainly velvet underground. i didn't go to my internship today. i needed a day all to myself and my thoughts.

i went to the field museum yesterday with my good friends brian and pam. i havent gone to any of the museums since I was in grade school for field trips. Went through the free exhibits before walking through downtown. the columbia campus is the same as always, seeing familiar faces, familiar landmarks, buildings, etc. It made me think about how I was before, and how I am now. No answers yet, but will there be? Trying to find the answer should be the journey, but the more and more I think about it, the more I think that the journey is the answer. However something is still just not fitting in right. Something is still missing and I'm not sure on where to start to look for it.

going out tonight...and i'm tired of my curly hair.

#60

2009-05-10T20:29:00.010-05:00

i spent some time with my mom today. she made me amazing vietnamese food, talked for a short while, and played with her laptop. the only obligation that i had with my parents when i moved out was to visit my mom every week, and i have been struggling to do so. the relationship with my mom only progressed when i moved out, but it's still at a very slow pace. my mom is dependent, where i am not. she thinks a woman should obey a man in a marriage, where i do not. she thinks i should be looking for a husband to take care of me, and i dont agree with that at all. we lived in totally different situations, her in saigon, me in chicago. but after all of that, i have the same face as she does, and the exact same giggle.

taking these pictures was probably the first time my mom and i had a genuine laugh together in a really long time.

#59

2009-05-10T12:04:00.005-05:00

ah, c'est la vie! sometimes you just have to sit back and laugh it out.

i want my life to change, and in order to do that i have to change as well.

i feel that life is starting to get repetitive.

#58

2009-05-09T20:02:00.002-05:00

so im going to central america when i go to new york with naya in july.

fuck yes!

a lot of this today

.

it's so cold in my room.

#57

2009-05-09T09:06:00.008-05:00

is this how the game plays? i hate games.

i should have listened to what your friend told me right in the beginning.

#56

2009-05-08T10:23:00.009-05:00

there is a fork in the road...and the decisions that i make in the next couple weeks will probably change how i live my life. i can either live back with my parents and go through insane emotions again or. couch surf at barb's until i can find a roommate in pilsen. either way, i will probably be happier staying on a couch than in my own room at my parents'. i have that 2nd job, but might be offered to work full time at the job i've been with for almost 3 years. either way this summer has been awesome so far. i'm going to nyc for 7 days in july. i miss new york so much.

i'm also happy that i live across the street from the biggest park in chicago, i should take advantage of it before i move.

i feel so predictable sometimes.

#55

2009-05-07T08:11:00.002-05:00

i need to get the FUCK out of chicago.

#54

2009-05-07T00:19:00.006-05:00

my day is finally done. i drove all over chicago doing my errands...selling clothes, meeting with my new boss...and was busy all throughout my internship. i had to get shots for the opening sequence for a steve wilkos episode.

im so sick of people making assumptions about me.

#53

2009-05-06T11:40:00.006-05:00

im in pilsen again. i have been to pilsen 6 times since this past friday. i drank way too much last night.

oh well.

been listening to a lot of:

i have so much stuff to do today.

#52

2009-05-05T19:06:00.003-05:00

i had the pleasure to check and watch through 3 steve wilkos shows and 1 jerry springer show:

+ hot tempered love triangles
+ steve, we're afraid of him
+ what if you're pregnant by him?
+ don't run from your son.....again!

4 hours of watching these and i kind of want my brain to explode.

Feliz cinco de mayo!

#51

2009-05-05T05:37:00.007-05:00

i hate getting woken up by my roommates coming home from the bars.

the sun is rising....it's 5:36am and they are still watching tv.

my eating habits have been out of control lately. days i dont eat...and days i do. i only ate brunches this past weekend.

then while staying over barb's and eating this mix of chef boyardee ravioli with spaghetti and meatballs...i decided to get back on the wagon of eating only vegetables and my protein being fish and tofu.

i'm going to try and fall back asleep.

#50

2009-05-04T11:20:00.006-05:00

i officially have 2 part jobs and an internship now.

i'm happy that i'm finally busy again, however i still want to travel out of this fucking city.

alaska/canada with mom? canadian road trip with brian and jackie? maybe ask my brother if i can go to berlin? or aunts and uncles in france?

soon i hope.

#49

2009-05-03T12:45:00.005-05:00

my birthday has been pretty awesome.

huge party, brunch, version fest, brunch again, hang outs, bbq, gallery. i saw everyone i wanted to see. i got free beer and a free sundae from simones. i didn't throw up and i'm somehow running on 9 hours of sleep from the past 2 days and still going strong. the weather today is perfect.

i don't want it to end.

#48

2009-05-01T10:17:00.001-05:00

so sick of being a virgin already!

my birthday is at midnight.

come to my party please.

#47

2009-04-30T10:23:00.002-05:00

i need to figure out a lot of stuff.

#46

2009-04-29T19:55:00.002-05:00

im currently an intern at pixel brothers, a production house here in chicago.

i assist editors and work 12-8p on tuesdays and I work until 11pm tonight. the place is huge, no ones on your back and there is cable tv, a foosball table and a ping pong table. the owners just bought everyone wings from wingstop, everyones nice and i dont want to leave in june.

best thing about this place is all the new macs they have...and not to mention i get to watch jerry springer and steve wilkos ALL day.

(currently working on "you killed my baby!" for steve wilkos)

my birthday is in 3 days.

#45

2009-04-29T11:23:00.001-05:00

someday.

#44

2009-04-28T11:22:00.003-05:00

tried lipstick and straight hair.

i dont really like either.

i really want to take my monroe out.

#43

2009-04-28T01:25:00.003-05:00

makes me melt.

#42

2009-04-21T21:01:00.002-05:00

Life has been going fast and I'm still trying to keep up!

been listening to a lot of these:

and

and interning at

assisting editors

and pretty happy with

#41

2009-02-27T09:59:00.004-06:00

my girls. and apparently we brought lisa frank glitter stickers back. they are probably the one (and only) thing thats keeping me sane in shit weather like this. I already planned on places I want to go next week. Back to my school to meet with my adviser, shedd aquarium, museum of surgical science, see the case of benjamin button for $3. It's going to be a packed 4 days off. What's even better is that I feel that majority of all this is nearly free or cheap.

I want warm and sunny weather. Now!

#40

2009-02-26T09:35:00.004-06:00

These past 7 days have been the ultimate emotional roller coaster. Birthdays, drunk nights, parties, laughter, insecurities, epiphanies then a furious fit to end up being peace with the world and knowing my own worth. Geez! I would hope to never have to deal with so many things all in 7 days again. However, this roller coaster pushed me to finally do my room. New dresser, lamp, bed sheets, shoe wheel, and finally used tapestry to make me a huge headboard for my bed. Pics when I can get my hands on a camera.

Besides that, I also planned out my year's goals and ways to finally reach them. Very exciting! I plan on getting my hands on internships and to finally start saving money for my woodshop/furniture making class.

I made reservations to rent a car for SXSW yesterday!

So we (Adam, Brian, hopefully Naya and I) are driving in this:

to go to this:

To see millions of bands. The schedule is already up, Passion Pit, Dent May, Beach House, Crystal Stilts, Chairlift, Harlem Shakes, Handsom Furs, No Age, Akron/Family, Grizzly Bear, Black Lips, Datarock are playing Thursday...Anni Rossi, M. Ward and St. Vincent on Wednesday...and more!

So excited! It's in 2 weeks!!! I am serious need of a vacation. it's 10:20...so off to work!

2009-02-21T03:15:00.002-06:00

I got my tax return check early Friday morning. I was $1136 richer, and I immediately went down to business as to what I was going to spend it on. First was obvious, money for rent, bills, and then this baby:

my fucking shoe wheel! To those who don't know me, I have been waiting to have enough money to buy this. It holds up to 30 pairs of shoes and is compact when storing it in the closet.

Also these:

having a kitten sometimes sucks, especially when she loves chewing on thin headphone wires. My Ginger has chewed through 4 apple-type headphones. At least this wire won't be as thin.

The rest is money for SXSW. I'm renting a car in the next few days. I really can't wait for a mini vacation. It was my best friend Erin's birthday today so they had a wild party. Lisa Frank stickers are amazing. Pics posted soon.

2009-02-19T13:50:00.002-06:00

Writing to you from my iPod touch. I wish I knew how to copy and paste on this thing then I could make this post more appealing. These days are starting to become redundant and I'm planning to change that. I'm getting a big tax return check tomorrow and I'm trying to figure out what I should do with it. Well first the bills, then my dresser then probably my shoe wheel finally. Hopefully by the end of this month my room will finally be complete. Any other money I have I will probably save.

I've been nostalgic lately, people think I'm sad. It's weird but I don't mind of at all for right now. I wish I was at home sleeping.

I've been listening to no age and the blow non stop. More pictures next post, promise!

#38

2009-02-09T12:15:00.003-06:00

There is a game of writing 25 Facts/Secrets/Goals about yourself. I wrote basic ones on there but I hope i can think of 25 more personal ones for this one.

1. i can roll my tongue as well as make a 3 leaf clover, as well as a taco and flip it upside down to both sides. My tongue is also pretty long too.
2. i'm a lefty, and the only lefty in my immediate family.
3. my aunt would force me to write with my right hand since a lefty was known as evil. now i am ambidextrous.
4. the relationship i have with my parents is very basic, not personal. they barely know anything about me.
5. i'm usually pretty shy when talking to the opposite sex, but that has changed.
6. my first kiss was when i was 16, my first make out when i was 17/18.
7. in 4th grade the boys rated 1-10 about the girls in the class by their body parts. i got an 8 for boobs, and a 5 or 6 for my face.
8. i eat my food on my plate clockwise. always
9. i call a lot of my friends, my best friends. however, only 1 knows absolutely everything about me.
10. i love the movie "love actually" because the beginning and ending sequence makes me cry.
11. my childhood was really strange. but i loved my imagination when i was little. i daydreamed a lot.
12. when i was young i wanted to be a teacher just so i could always have the answer book.
13. the last time i saw my brother before he died, he kissed me on the cheek for bringing his mail. he never kissed me on the cheek until then.
14. i love babies. i envy parents with newborns. i cant wait until i have my own.
15. i want to get high with my father, and get drunk with my mother. i feel the relationship would get closer if that happened.
16. if i could kill anyone. it would be that guy that lived in the basement of our apartment building for a short period time when i was in kindergarden.
17. i have a lot of love to give. so i give them to my friends and cat.
18. i really need to figure out a way to make films now, or i fear i will never get into it.
19. my oldest memory is of how my 1st apartment looked. i was about a 2 or 3. and i still can remember what the apartment looked like.
20. when i was 4, my brothers made me watch chucky. i couldnt watch chucky again until i was 14.
21. i love the feeling in my tummy when im on roller coasters.
22. i love when i drive to work with my music on and its a sunny day. makes the rest of the day way more tolerable.
23. i always wondered how i look when i walk away from someone.
24. i hope to get enough money one day to get a breast reduction.
25. my mom told me when i was young my favorite color was yellow, because of the sun.

#37

2009-02-06T10:18:00.002-06:00

Ahh, the days are getting warmer, thank god! I saw a lot of old friends last night which was so awesome. Brian, Erin and I tried the Whistler which I can see myself going too besides the typical bars I go too. I'm pretty excited for the weekend as well. Besides tonight, Saturday is going to be really fun, as well as Sunday being my lazy day.

Things are starting to pick up, I have an interview at another salon next week which I'm definitely crossing my fingers for.

I can't wait for my tax return check to come in the mail...and to get paid next week also. I would to at least have extra money to buy ratatat tickets as well as peter bjorn and john....and then to also save money in order to go to Texas for SXSW. I check Bonnaroo's lineup and I kind of want to drive there also! Ack! I was hoping to have out of state festivals be shitty so I wont have to be tempted to go, but drats! I'm pretty pumped for music this summer.

I have been listening to a lot of Black Moth Super Rainbow lately.

I wish I could find the song that I have been really repeating over and over, but this one is good also.

#35

2009-01-28T10:06:00.004-06:00

i miss going to wicker park (actual park) in the summer.

the sun hasnt poked it's head out in days and it's making me feel kind of nostalgic, restless and a little lonely.

Supposedly the sun will be out this saturday.

About 4 more weeks to warm weather.

thank god.